An Act of Shame
July 6, 2009 Shame…It something you don’t have to dig deeply to touch, but you do have to dig deeply to release. That is my recent challenge. “Good luck. You two deserve each other.” I wrote on the mirror. He was pretty pissed about that and we were yelling. Down the hallway was a married friend in a darkened living room with another married friend of the opposite sex. It was not a good night for fighting. But a fight it was. I was moving out. She was moving in. Three years of a love triangle with an ugly ending. There was no skin to skin contact with anger though there was contact between my body and other objects, a box and a lawn sprinkler. Our roommate drove me to my new apartment to get me away from the situation. I looked into the mirror. There was a mark and some slight swelling on the corner of my right eye from landing in the stack of moving boxes. Damn! It didn’t look like there would be a black eye. On my right thigh was a bruise the size of coffee mug opening. No one would see that as it would be covered by clothing. I’d had a few drinks and felt justified at the time. I poked my eye to make sure it would be black. Yep! A good sock in the eye. I deserved it. I wasn’t worth anything anyway. I wasn’t the one he wanted. I wasn’t even worthy of the truth though I had asked for it more than once. Why not! I went to work…a place all three of us were employed. People asked me what happened but I just shook my head in silence…except when she asked. I told here “this is what you have to look forward to.” I never said he hit me. I stayed silent on the matter…(and was later praised by management for not bringing it into the office or allowing it to affect my work.) As I drove out of the parking lot that day, I saw he had left a red rose in a cup on her truck. It was a knife in my heart, shredding the last of my self-esteem. The three of us have chosen each other as family, spending the 4th of July together, among other times of togetherness. We stand as an example of true forgiveness, respect, and love . I stayed silent until two days ago. I apologized to him for my shameful act. His reply was “People who knew me know I wouldn’t do anything like that and the people that wanted to believe it did.” Why do I continue to feel the shame of a 22 year old woman searching for the truth who chose to lead people to believe an untruth? Where is that feeling of a weight being lifted off? Where is the full breath I haven’t been able to take for the past 30 years? All of it could have been avoided…had the truth been told about the choice already made.
Posted by Sally Filed in Friendship, Letting go, forgiveness
Comments » 3 Responses to “A Shameful Act”
almurta said July 7, 2009 at 4:06 pm e Well done for airing your shame. I don’t know if I could be so honest. 22 is an terrible age for affairs of the heart isn’t it. I knew one woman who slashed all four of her ex’s tyres (no not me). My worst effort at that age was getting out of it on all kinds of illegals and bashing on my ex boyfriends door and screaming abuse at around 3 am. I see my son of 22 struggling with his relationships and give thanks I finally grew up. Cheers- Suzanne
Colleen Murphy said July 7, 2009 at 6:08 pm e That’s a brave admission on your part, but you have to realize you are only human after all, and given the situation, your human-ness reacted accordingly.
Tabitha said July 12, 2009 at 8:22 pm e Such excellent healing vent. Bravo.
